Category: Uncategorized

I probably need to figure out how to not blame myself for things outside of my control. Because as you can probably imagine I blame myself for the failed implantation. Maybe I didn’t relax enough during my “princess days” or I relaxed too much. Maybe I did a medication incorrectly. Maybe I’ll make a terrible mother and so God doesn’t want me to have children. The list goes on. It’s interesting that I feel the need to take responsibility for the failure because I am normally too prideful to do so. I also am really bad at attempting things I’ve already failed at once. It will take some mental recovery to try again.

After all the poking and prodding, the egg retrieval, more poking and prodding, embryo transfer, more poking, and and excruciating 10 day wait….we’re not pregnant.

Devastated doesn’t even begin to cover what I felt.

There were and still are tears.

The triggers seem to lurk around every corner.

As I was laying in bed listening to a meditation specifically for sleep As I laid in bed running through different scenarios and memories relating to IVF while a sleep meditation was playing I happened to catch a few words of what was said. Gratitude, happiness, generosity and how they were all related.

Since receiving the news Wednesday I have been filled with ingratitude. None of the wonderful things I have in my life husband, family, garden, etc have been enough. I can only focus on the thing I don’t have-children. Thus, making myself miserable any moment of free time.

The way to change this would be to be more grateful right? It will take practice because practice makes permanent.

We started walking down a path this week. A path we were interested in investigating and a path we were 100% sure we were going to be on.

We kept walking down it. Doing each next logical step and testing how it felt.

We (still) looked back, wondering how specific things would work out down other paths and how loose ends that would end up breaking would be tied if we went down this path.

I still don’t have answers. I’m not even sure this path is Right.

But sometimes you don’t know. Sometimes you have no idea. Sometimes a few steps in the dark still isn’t enough to illuminate the way.

Sometimes even doing a big scary thing on the path isn’t enough to confirm it’s right.

Sometimes you still look back. Almost always you want solid confirmation it’s Right.

That doesn’t always come.

Sometimes it’s the little things that support the path.

Sometimes it’s finding the right guide. Sometimes it’s a complete (seeming, but not actual) coincidence that causes you to take a step you wouldn’t have otherwise.

I honestly don’t know whether this path is the path I should be one. But when I saw similar divergences in the past and started down them, the path turned out far better than I ever expected.

God is in the details. The way an hour makes a difference in choices. The right finger movement, even when it’s not the normal one. The people you meet. The place you live.

It’s not perfect, always. But growth doesn’t come in sure moments, and growth doesn’t come when you only lift what you already know you can.