Category: Babies

Jordan went in for egg extraction this morning. (Why they don’t just call it eggstraction is totally beyond me. Marketing opportunity utterly wasted.)

I get to sit in the car and wait.

It’s one thing to consider being a father and having a child come in a normal way. That seems pretty natural. But rushing through manual stimulation to put a sperm donation in a little cup before speeding to the eggstraction (I won’t miss the opportunity) so Jordan can be anesthetized and have eggs surgically removed, then have eggs and sperm mixed up outside the body, live in testtubes for 5 days and have a smaller number put back in seems really unnatural.

Like we’re doing an end-around on evolution.

There’s probably good reasons, biologically, we haven’t yet had children. My parents struggled to get me and my brother. Although we’re pretty awesome in a lot of ways, we’re severely lacking in others.

So maybe although I have a lot of traits that would be good to pass on, the ones that aren’t shouldn’t be? And so for whatever reason my reproductive system is much less effective than others’.

However, the blessing of posterity is the greatest that can be granted to mankind. And anything should be sacrificed to obtain that blessing. Discomfort. Money.

Abraham basically gave everything. Having a child at 100 and 90 (let’s give Sarai her due) seems absolutely bonkers. Then being asked to sacrifice him 14-40 years later when he’s the only inheritor also seems nuts.

Maybe the modern version of that is paying money (a real sacrifice for many people) to have children.

But what will they be like?

Mental health problems are pretty dominant on my mom’s side. Maternal grandfather, both my mom’s siblings. My mom certainly has issues she won’t admit to. Kurt and I both have depressive tendencies, even if we’re not likely to admit it out loud.

Most of Jordan’s siblings have some sort of mental health obstacle. Some cope better with them than others. Jordan copes well some days and not others.

Are we expanding the mental capacity of humanity, while doubling the mental health susceptibility of our children?

Or is that something we can teach and parent around?

Jordan worries about some kids getting my physical genes and some of them getting hers.

That’s probably a good worry.

How will we encourage all of them to grow up to work hard, sleep long, and eat well?

And is it ok that some are beanpoles and some are tanks?

Yes. But how do I teach them that?

What is the world going to be like?

Lots of people buy homes based on the school district they are in. I’m pretty sure in 15 years, school as we know it won’t exist. Or there will be enough options that we won’t have to indulge poorly executed prison systems (that happen to have sports).

If nothing else, the COVID pandemic has taught us that we can act differently than we have and the world will still continue.

Maybe they’ll call me soon and my brain can stop waiting.

This blog probably could’ve been more therapeutic for me had I chosen to write my thoughts and feelings down more instead of letting worries run rampant in my brain, but I’m still working on that.

But also had I done that then it would’ve appeared as the ravings of a mad woman.

I’ve done all my shots and appointments that were on my calendar and now I just get to wait. I was told that someone would call me today with further instructions and to not panic if I haven’t heard from anyone by 5.

Um, hi, it’s almost 6pm and still nothing. Do you have to be on the phone with me as I do the trigger injection? If not why can’t you call me and give me the instructions beforehand so I don’t have to sit by my phone all day waiting. Also the inability to contact anyone in your office outside of 8-5 M-F when so much goes on outside of that time frame is hugely frustrating.

I would personally never recommend the Utah Fertility Clinic in PG to anyone. They could’ve done so much more to help reduce the anxiety of an already stressful process and yet they seem to do the bare minimum if that.

Also my plan of care nurse expects me to remember the details of a conversation we had 2 months ago when she unloaded a lot of information on us? But also told us not to worry because she would help us out along the way. That has not been the case.

Trying to have an IVF baby during a pandemic is probably not the best of ideas. But in our defense we decided to do it before covid had become an issuue. So I imagine that our experience is probably not a typical one.

For one thing we haven’t met face to face with our plan of care nurse. I imagine that in a more normal situation you would see them more often, maybe not. But because of that lack of face to face contact I would expect there to be more calls, messages, or emails. But there hasn’t been. I know it can be hard once you are deeply entrenched in a profession to forget that not everyone understands your field at the level you do. I think the mark of a true professional, someone who really understands their field, is someone who can anticipate and address foundational questions.

I (we) started injections today. For 10 days we mix two different kinds of fertility drugs at home and inject them into my abdomen to encourage my ovaries to produce more eggs than they normally would during a cycle. This is a critical part of the IVF cycle. I would think the nurse who is in charge of my plan would’ve called me to check in to see if I had any questions, make sure I understood dosing, and that I was doing okay. And I received none of that. Instead when asked at my appointment if I had questions and I said yes, I was given misinformation.

Thankfully I have a loving, supportive, and rational husband who helped us get the right information we needed in the time that we needed it.

I can be really disappointing when you expect help from someone and don’t receive it. To be clear I didn’t just hope that the nurse would be in contact with me she said she would be in contact with me when the time got closer.

I don’t think the answer is to not expect anything from anyone. Clearly the answer is to have good communication. You would think that a business that relies on communicating accurate and timely information would make it a priority.

But of course if you don’t get a baby out of the treatment it’s not their fault so maybe misinformation is not a bad thing for them because then they get more money out of you in the future.

I have felt really down the last couple or weeks. I lack energy and I am not as excited about the things I love.

Is it depression? Potentially. I’ve been there before.

Is the birth control I’m taking for IVF making me feel this way? Potentially, I’ve never taken it before so I don’t really know how my body reacts to it.Is it being stuck at my house unable to see friends and family? Potentially. I don’t have any children of my own and the closest I get are my nieces and nephews. We’ve had to miss a lot of birthdays this past month. Not to mention the hugs and snuggles.

Or perhaps it’s the variable spring weather that keeps me inside instead of being able to go out and work in my yard.

In reality it’s easiest to blame the drugs, after all moodiness and irritability are some of the potential side effects. However, these, plus a hundred other little things, are all confounding factors that could be contributing to my overall mood. I can embrace it as the way I should feel or I can get out of bed and try and do something about it.

We met with our plan of care nurse yesterday. We’ve had the appointment since before things really started to get crazy. We practiced social distancing and had the conversation over the phone.

We discussed the paperwork to fill out, FAQ’s, the schedule, and all of the different medications I’ll be taking and when. It was overwhelming to say the least.

They are unable to do any elective procedures right now but they want us to continue like this worldwide pandemic will be over by May. So she called in our prescriptions to a pharmacy for us to pick up. As well as called a speciality pharmacy to get the fertility drugs. The specialty pharmacy called us within a few minutes of being off the phone with the nurse and told us each of the drugs we will be receiving and how much each costs for a total of almost $3,000 (and that’s with a discount!). The fertility drugs should arrive today in the mail.

This is all happening very fast for something that isn’t happening.