April 2020 – Babies

I have felt really down the last couple or weeks. I lack energy and I am not as excited about the things I love.

Is it depression? Potentially. I’ve been there before.

Is the birth control I’m taking for IVF making me feel this way? Potentially, I’ve never taken it before so I don’t really know how my body reacts to it.Is it being stuck at my house unable to see friends and family? Potentially. I don’t have any children of my own and the closest I get are my nieces and nephews. We’ve had to miss a lot of birthdays this past month. Not to mention the hugs and snuggles.

Or perhaps it’s the variable spring weather that keeps me inside instead of being able to go out and work in my yard.

In reality it’s easiest to blame the drugs, after all moodiness and irritability are some of the potential side effects. However, these, plus a hundred other little things, are all confounding factors that could be contributing to my overall mood. I can embrace it as the way I should feel or I can get out of bed and try and do something about it.

We started walking down a path this week. A path we were interested in investigating and a path we were 100% sure we were going to be on.

We kept walking down it. Doing each next logical step and testing how it felt.

We (still) looked back, wondering how specific things would work out down other paths and how loose ends that would end up breaking would be tied if we went down this path.

I still don’t have answers. I’m not even sure this path is Right.

But sometimes you don’t know. Sometimes you have no idea. Sometimes a few steps in the dark still isn’t enough to illuminate the way.

Sometimes even doing a big scary thing on the path isn’t enough to confirm it’s right.

Sometimes you still look back. Almost always you want solid confirmation it’s Right.

That doesn’t always come.

Sometimes it’s the little things that support the path.

Sometimes it’s finding the right guide. Sometimes it’s a complete (seeming, but not actual) coincidence that causes you to take a step you wouldn’t have otherwise.

I honestly don’t know whether this path is the path I should be one. But when I saw similar divergences in the past and started down them, the path turned out far better than I ever expected.

God is in the details. The way an hour makes a difference in choices. The right finger movement, even when it’s not the normal one. The people you meet. The place you live.

It’s not perfect, always. But growth doesn’t come in sure moments, and growth doesn’t come when you only lift what you already know you can.